Lately, someone has asked that I “learn them/learn their way,” since I will be leaving them soon. He speaks about all these sacrifices he’s made and all this other stuff. He says I should learn him and what his heart gives out, rather than what’s on the surface. I wish I could tell him this without angering him, but I can’t do any of that. Even if I really tried, I can never know who he truly is and what he really thinks and feels. I can’t “know” him or “learn” him because he is alone. I’m alone too. No one on this earth but I (and with my ego in the way not even I) can really know and understand myself. We are all existentially alone.
And these sacrifices – no one asked him to make them. For him to place responsibility of these sacrifices on others in words such as “you should…” “nobody cares…” is a waste of time. No one is responsible for the choices a person makes except for that person. Sure, a person maybe be influenced by his environment and other people, but the action, the decision, was still made by him.
My mom tries to claim that she knows me, simply because she’s been around me all the time before I became a teenager. She doesn’t know who I really am. I don’t know who she is, all of her desires and goals and feelings. I can see the outside, her mask, her ego, but I don’t see her thoughts and her spirit.
Being existentially alone is comforting. Making connections to others and feeling others’ energy is nice and interesting, but I am the only one who can know this body that I’m in is liberating. I am the only one like this in the entire universe. I am as singled out as my fingerprints. And at the same time I can share and be with others. I share genetic material with everyone. I am of the same stuff, minerals atoms matter, that others are made of. I am part of the universal energy and consciousness and all that there is. I am a manifestation of the universe. We all are, and yet I still have myself, I am still the only being that can experience and get to know this particular Zuleika in the fullest way possible.
So I will leave this man, my father and this woman, my mother, and this boy, my brother, and everyone else. I will take my vessel and my essence with me, and they will keep their own. I can’t learn or know their insides. While it would have been helpful to learn their behavior a bit more to create more harmony, I didn’t and I accept that I didn’t.
Many people have the premise that because they are family they have certain rights and demands they can make upon their relatives just because of the relation. I don’t believe that is true. I am happy to be alive by the way of them conceiving me, but I don’t owe them anything. I can chose to give my respect based on how we get along and based on my feelings, but they didn’t intend to make this body, my being. So what is there to owe. They had no idea.
I can give others my love and my respect and my coöperation if I chose. Just because I so happened to become related to you, or live in someone’s city, or have been born someone’s country, doesn’t mean I owe my existence to those people or places. I can leave, and I can change, I always change, and sometimes certain people a places don’t fit with the change. I’m starting to let go and accept certain things and just go along with my feelings. I open to others as best as I can be at the time, but I have no guarantees. No one does. I am Zuleika. I am.
Here is a post on being alone, from the typepad blog, Basic Reflections:
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
George Kunnath sent in this poem on aloneness:
Aloneness is a state of being
A wonderful state of being
In aloneness I find myself
In aloneness I am by myself
In aloneness I discover myself
And reach the core of my self
In the depth of aloneness
I find everything
In aloneness I find bliss
All beauty contains in aloneness
The wonder of the universe
The bliss of solitude
It feels wonderful to be alone
In the depth of the aloneness
I find you and everything
It is in aloneness love flowers
From the deep spring of aloneness
The river of love flows
The flow never stops
As it is an eternal spring
Find the well of aloneness
Sink deep into the waters
Soak it in to the core
And lack nothing any more