Being Human is Hard, Annoying and Subjective

Being sorry for the same thing one thousand times over.

Reasoning oneself to death over small matters.

Elevated forms of survival and struggle including mediated murder, gossip and ruining “prestige,” embezzling money.

Dealing with relationships.

Thinking and calculating to the extreme (I especially I this problem).

Being conscious on a higher level and thus self concerned to insane proportions.

And as of late: Losing touch with our nature. It is now easier than ever to hurt yourself in this world. The less we abide by our nature the more harm we encounter. Staying up late. Awful confused eating patterns and artificial food. Addiction to self gratifying technologies.

I haven’t been blogging about alternative education because I don’t really know where I’m going right now, as if there really was somewhere to go, “as if life were a bank to be robbed,” says Alan Watts.

I asked myself silently, “How many times do I need to say I’m sorry before I can forgive myself?” And I’m talking about forgiving myself for stupid things, like writing a letter that is no longer accurate, or thinking a thought that is foolish, or wanting something for selfish reasons. I pay for my simple mistakes 1,000 times over and I just keep making them over and over again, expecting something to change eventually, by circumstance of a change in environment, or the oh so precious ego death.

All of those self help books and advisors and articles and ponderings are pointless because there’s something I’m JUST NOT GETTING. Something that has to come from inside of me. It makes me so angry, I can kind of feel what it is but it won’t come out yet.

It’s that weird something that will come out when I stop trying. When I give up and forget about going through ego death and figuring out who I am and what my priorities are, and trying to just change drastically, it will happen. Like a child going from game to game and moment to moment it happens that way. But I hope I notice, I hope that I do.


Posted on March 17, 2010, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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