I Finally Realize what’s in Store for Me

I am still disillusioned at the moment and hanging in the balance. I am in a lot of pain, physically, emotionally, and spiritually (in the least religiously dogmatic sense of the word). I suppose that it’s been about a year or more since I came upon the wonder that is democratic and alternative education. I still feel a strong pull to be involved – to make a “career” out of it if you will. This is a very important choice for me to make, especially now that I am going off to college. I have been giving a large amount of thought to self reflection, to my independence, and just what makes me tick. Am I really depressed, or is it the area? Am I lazy or am I just confused? It all keeps coming back to my ideals of a moneyless collective society where a person and still be themselves, contributing to his or her community without being absorbed into it or obligated to it.

I’ve given thought to money, and I realize that with what I want to do, I will need the godlike thing – plenty of it – so that I can work with those currently involved to get things through people’s heads. I will have to compromise, and rely on it until my death because although at the root of things money is not real, currency is the only way through which we’ve learned to exist for centuries. It’s okay, because I have realized that my goals are pulling me to something where I’ll have to sacrifice. I am not like freeconomists who can ironically afford to deal very little with the monetary world and get by on “free” land and “free” food. That is okay.

At the bones of it, I am not sure if I’ll really “make it.” However, I won’t force it. I have decided today that I will surrender to whatever it is that is creating this inner push. Despite the pain and disillusionment I will continue. College can actually help me in this respect. When I get out I will spend most of my time paying loans back and it will be okay. Compromise is inevitable, but so is perseverance. I’ll be dedicating my time to actually studying the pedagogy and developing theory and getting intimate with this movement. It’s about time that I start doing something about what I feel so strongly about.

So I’ve been looking at myself and noting key things…

  1. Most 18 (15, 16, 17, as long as I’ve thought this way) year olds do not think this way. The youth who do are part of a hidden underground as redundant as that sounds.
  2. I am a logical idealist. I have a strange combination of objectivity, abstract thought, and depth of emotion and sensitivity. If you know about the Jungian types, I have consistently was assessed as INFP/INTP – Feeling/Thinking. On the Enneagram I tested Type4/Type5 – same concept. I am not sure how that will affect me in the grand scheme of things I am aiming to achieve.
  3. I need a gentle structuralist in my personal life, not one who will prod and push me into stark and grave realism, but one who can serve as a rational aid to my ideals. In my “professional life” there will be plenty of structuralists to mutually feed off of.
  4. I need to accept that I am gifted (in the least elitist sense of the word). This largely explains many of my predicaments. It explains even why I would consider something as abstract as the alternative education movement.
  5. I am an independent humanitarian, and like most humanitarians, I am attempting to provide others with what I never had. This is a selfish act of selflessness.
  6. I’m a tug of war type of spirit that needs centering.

So at the short run of things I am going to college so long as no circumstance intervenes. In the long run of things I don’t know. The future is like a rainbow. I remember this from a speaker on The History Channel Series “The Universe.” There was a man describing rainbows as an illusion. It was explained that no two people see the same rainbow – it’s all up to perspective. The man explained that no matter what you do, you can never get to a rainbow and worse for the pot of gold at the end. It is because as you move toward it, the perspective changes with  it based on the angles of light refracted through particular droplets of water in the sky. The future is that same way. There is no such thing as the future even though you can see it in your mind’s eye. The reason for this is that as you move toward the future the decisions you make and every step you take leads to a different “future” or outcome. And the future looks nice, sitting there, but as soon as you blink you’re not in that future. It’s alarmingly consoling. So I will do my best with what’s here and contradict myself by aiming to achieve what doesn’t exist solely because I firmly believe in it. According to Robert Sapolsky, contradictions like that are what make us human. And that is okay.


Posted on April 11, 2010, in Alternative Education, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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