I feel very sad…
I hated high school, but I’m sad. My graduation was annoying and I was in a lot of pain but I’m sad. I don’t really care about college, but I’m excited and scared – even though I hate my town and want to leave it as soon as possible. Even when I stood before people I didn’t care about, or people who bugged me, I found myself holding on and feeling this tug of sadness. I’ve had so many goodbyes in the past few days, months even – it’s strange. I told a guy that I would miss him and he said, “Ah, nobody misses me.” This cover-up phrase was silly but sorrowful nonetheless. The thing I realized most of all is that it will always be like this. Change. Every moment there is change and nothing will stay the same. It’s a tough and discomforting concept.
I graduated yesterday and it went by quickly. I was glad. Then I went to my brothers junior high graduation, which took forever. It was strange hearing the speeches and performances. It made me realize that graduations, Christmas programs, dances, and other such events do a great job of making traditional schools look and feel cute and fun. When parents show up for these they feel like they’ve really done something. I’m not sure if they have (of their on will or accord). Graduations, the act of walking stages and reciting lines are…pointless.
I didn’t smile much – I was very tired and in pain. But today I’m sad. I’ll be leaving a few people for a while…or forever if I don’t know how to keep contact. I might have to get a social networking account if I am to ever survive the distance.
I don’t know what to do. I feel overwhelmed by the summer and school year ahead. I have diaries to burn, pictures to print and stow away, and keepsakes to file. Fairly new bank statements to organize, music files to sort. Checklists to be checked. Tickets to purchase, materials to be shipped, papers to sign and mail. Community events to plan. It’s numbing and paralyzing…all of this high tech civilization stuff. I can’t believe I have to do another four years of living by mandate of someone else – no matter how enriching or life changing it’s purported to be.
I wish I could go lie in a field somewhere to rest and recover, but I’m learning that life isn’t like that for most of us.