Oh My God!

I wish I could live by these lyrics without committing social suicide. Freedom really is going against the group and it’s power structure, thus abandoning the safety net it provides. I want to be free very badly. I do. I don’t want to work (I still feel ashamed to say that). I just want to learn to grow food, live with people and have a personal freeconomy. That’s not really freedom, but more like dumping the current power structure and society for something smaller, more  intimate, and relaxed. In my personal time I would read and draw (painting would be out beyond mixing white rocks and fruit juice, because paint costs money). I would play music, but all I have is an acoustic guitar, an old piano that costs thousands to refurbish, and no concept of music theory beyond Lypur’s detailed youtube lessons. Guitar would do. I would help raise the kids that someone in the group would hopefully have, as I am not ready to be a mother…possibly forever. I have decided that kids deserve stable parents, and both parents, until they grow older. If I am not stable or in a secure relationship, then I will not have children. As a potential mother, I owe it to my future offspring to be healthy in all respects and although be imperfect, I must be able to be strong and have direction in life. Anyway I would write also…on animal hide? Paper costs money. If I have no parchment, I will just become an oral storyteller. I would be in nature and only go to cities to visit libraries, free seminars and use the internet. I could always walk into a school or something and take the pamphlets and write on the back. I dunno.

My biggest fear is that I will never live for myself. No matter how happy I feel going down someone else’s path, I will still be broken inside if I can’t choose something for myself. Will I ever get to choose? Will I ever have control over my situation?

I’m not fitting. I want to get away from this place, the modern world. I wish, deeply to just accept these weird things, but I can’t help but refuse, if that makes any sense. Pondering over my standpoint in education has lead me to look into a string of other lifestyles geared towards independent interdependence. Food not Bombs. Food not Lawns. Learner-centered education. Freeganism. Eco-villages. Intentional communities.

I’m really weird.

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Posted on August 7, 2010, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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